NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
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Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
car not found
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
got so much cardio in today
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.