“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
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Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
The point of your 20s
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”