One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
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How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.