Boom, boom, ching!
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My typo game is string.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
doing your own taxes
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Important reminders
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.