Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
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Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.