*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
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Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
bro what is going on at twitter
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.