[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
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I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Sooo many times…..
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.