Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
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Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
work smarter, not harder
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?