Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
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I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.