About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
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Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse