god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
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My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Practicing safe sax
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
*aggressively waits in line*
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.