Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
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I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
The real reason evolution started..😂
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.