hmmm
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Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Geez man, take it easy.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army