I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
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Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
can’t talk my ride’s here
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.