You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
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I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
LMAO
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Found my door mat
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.