MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
You Might Also Like
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.