My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
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For when Tinder doesn’t work
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.