me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
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Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
absolutely not
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”