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Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.