HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
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[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages