Childbirth is so beautiful
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When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
This is a true ally.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
A completely valid reaction tbh
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”