I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
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When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
🙋♀️
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur