I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
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The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Eggs benadryl my favourite