Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
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what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.