2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
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[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit