I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
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I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.