Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
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[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.