(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
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*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Stonehinge
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
figuring out my emotional availability:
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
This is always good for a laugh.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try