Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
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I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.