Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
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me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
couldn’t resist
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building