Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
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What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
i hope my email finds you on fire
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
A roof is a house hat.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.