My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
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So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”