When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
You Might Also Like
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
how long have you had this for?
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Close call…
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.