I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
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PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
School be like
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Leaving the Barbers like
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom