30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
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Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Same pineapple, same
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.