Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
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Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories