If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
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You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Doctors texting each other.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!