people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
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[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious