It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
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Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
wtf is an acronym
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.