Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
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My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Science memes
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.