Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
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For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
a lot to unpack here
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it