“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
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[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?