Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
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Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”