The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
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My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Ok but actually
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
choose your gary
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today