GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
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Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work