*names my little horse OneTrick*
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SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
japanese corn
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.