[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
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i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*