This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
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*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this