Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
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getting corrected
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.