Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
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Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
#dnd #ttrpg
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.